The best way to watch the sequel of something you love? With alcohol and friends. Which we proved tonight while watching “Ashes to Ashes” on BBC America. Participants: Me=Ceylon, H=Hystrix, EB=Electric Boogalo, K=Kryptic.

Me: Philip Glenister gets first billing.

H: Well. that’s why people are watching it.

Me: I don’t like this. I hate this show already.

H: It doesn’t always start like this.

Me: But why is her voice like that?

H: Because it’s a child. Gah! I don’t like that.

EB: He did commit suicide, though.

H: But I don’t like that.

K: Her name isn’t Samantha Tyler, is it?

H: And why is that little girl reading that file?

EB: Because she’s in the car.

Me: Is this important to the mythology of the show?

H: Yes.

Me: So she’s one of the worst actresses ever.

H: Yes.

K: And a terrible mother.

Me: Why is she screaming?

EB: Because her kid almost died.

Me: Okay, there is no way they should have let her do this with her kid around.

EB: That is one ugly kid, though.

H: She has a big mole, and that’s all I can look at when they show her: her mole.

EB: They should call her Moley.

H: Actually, I think her name is Molly.

EB: I know. That’s why they should call her Moley. “Hey, Evan! I almost died today!”

H: “And I was reading a dead guy’s file! My mom is so professional!” I forgot it was the kid’s birthday.

Me: You’re supposed to look before you get in the car.

H: Seriously. Even I do that.

Me: Me, too.

EB: Are you my mummy? Muuummmmy?

H: This outfit…

Me: Oh, my God.

H: …Kills me.

EB: Love the fur.

H: It’s like watching a Duran Duran video. Which I think is what they were going for. Like, when she wakes up, it’s unreal. When Sam wakes up, it’s hyper-real.

Me: So she’s not listening to the song when she gets shot?

K: Are they going to send someone back to 1993 so they can wear flannel and not wash their hair and listen to Nirvana?

H: And now they’re playing Duran Duran. This car is…not the Cortina.

Me: Oh, my God, why is he wearing that?

H: Because it’s the ’80s.

Me: I love Gene Hunt so much, though. I’ve missed him! She’s so ugly.

EB: What?

Me: You don’t think so?

EB: Nope.

H: I think her hair is really bad, but…

EB: Nope, nope, nope.

Me: What is this music?

H: It’s ridiculous and one of the things I hate about this episode. OK, this god-like music kills me.

EB: What? I love it.

Me: This is ridiculous.

EB: It’s amazing!

H: It’s ridiculous.

EB: If you saw Gene Hunt, you would pass out.

H: But I wouldn’t imagine that music.

EB: I would.

K: Oh, Gene. Has he achieved LEGENDARY STATUS?!?!

H: And then he just picks her up.

Me: What is up with this? And she just lets him?

H: I know.

EB: You’re being too critical. You weren’t this critical with “Life on Mars.”

H: We were. We’re very, very critical people. “Life on Mars” was just a quality show.

K: My grandmother says that women wearing red shoes aren’t wearing underwear.

Me: Doesn’t Gene remember that he went through this with Sam?

H: Apparently not.

EB: Naughty, naughty.

H: Ray never gets promoted. Ever.

K: DUDE. What IS this show?

EB: This is why I can’t watch a SexyFest with you. You’re too critical. You don’t accept it for what it’s worth.

H: It’s not worth much, honey!

Me: Wait, what happened to Sam?

H: They didn’t say yet. Don’t look surprised! This is exactly what happened to Sam! She’s so stupid.

Me: Why doesn’t she change out of this outfit?
H: She doesn’t have anything to change into.
EB: Aw! Chris! Dissin’ his girlfriend.
Me: Is that his girlfriend?
EB: Maybe.
H: I don’t think yet.
(Alex says “crime lords.”)
Me: Okay, I thought she said “Time Lords,” and I was very excited for a second.
K: Why DOES she keep doing sarcastic quote marks around his name? It’s annoying!
Me: Because she’s annoying.
(Gene: You going to kiss me? Or punch me?)
K: I’d do both!
Me: She has terrible handwriting, it’s almost worse than mine.
H: I was jst going to say that, she has terrible handwriting.
EB: I do, too.
(Alex: I must always be analyzing.)
H: Must you?
Me: She’s a terrible actress.
EB: She is not!
H: They’re definitely editing.
Me: Well, it’s on BBC America.
H: It’s making it that much more difficult to understand what’s happening. See, here’s the thing. If this happened to me, and I had been studying Sam Tyler, I would be like, “Is Sam here? Why not?”
EB: That’s because she’s concerned with herself, and you want to make sweet, passionate love with Sam.
H: No. But yes. But Sam is the link. You’d think she’d ask about the link. And why does she go to the ’80s and not the ’70s? That’s why I don’t like this. Because there’s no logic. Also, she’s a terrible actress. Also, the outfits.
(Alex: I’d like to change out of red before Chris deBurgh writes a song about me.)
Me: That was a good line.
H: I don’t know who Chris deBurgh is.
Me: He wrote in “Lady in Red.” Look at those jeans. Oh, my God.
H: I know. They’re so tight, I don’t even know how he zipped them.
Me: Was Sam this useless?
EB: Yes.
H: No.
EB: The first episode, he was freaking out like this.
H: He was freaking out, but I think they let him get to the job much earlier than this.
EB: She’s going to be crazier because she’s got Sam’s knowledge to deal with.
Me: How did they not find his body in a river?
EB: It floated away.
H: I do not like that they killed Sam.
K: Eh, they never found his body.
Me: In soap operas, that means they’re coming back.
K: Always.
H: Also, the scary clown being everywhere is freaking me out.
Me: Oh, I don’t like him.
H: Oh, dear. No, he’s terrifying.
Me: So I assume there’s a reason why she’s being stalked by a clown?
EB: I don’t remember.
H: Well, yes and no. That clown guy is in a David Bowie video. Possibly “Ashes to Ashes.”
Me: Is she drunk?
EB: Yup.
H: They’re at a wine bar.
Me: How did she get that drunk that quickly?
EB: She had port.
Me: I love that couch. I don’t like this Gene Hunt.
H: This Gene Hunt is a sad Gene Hunt, because they’re trying to make him all politically correct, but he doesn’t want to be politically correct, he wants to go to the pub. Aw, he covered her with a blanket. Yay, Gene Hunt!
EB: Because Gene Hunt likes her.
H: I don’t know why. He was clearly in love with Sam Tyler.
K: I think I hate this show.
Me: Do you know what I don’t get?
H: Everything?
Me: Why does she buy the most ’80s-centric clothes possible?
H: It’s because she doesn’t buy her own clothes. They’re there already. Oh, my God, this music.
Me: While they show DCI Hunt’s office?
H: Yes.
Me: Is this supposed to be serious?
K: Apparently so.
H: Seriously, they are shredding this. I have no idea what’s hapening, and I’ve seen this before.
Me: Oh, I have no clue.
H: Does the plot make sense to you?
EB: Yes.
Me: Oh, my God.
H: Yup.
Me: This is ridiculous.
EB: No, it’s not. That London Bridge in the background is classic.
Me: Oh, my God.
EB: It’s classic. And fun.
H: The semi-automatic weapon, I think, is overkill.
Me: She is such a terrible actress.
EB: I hate Molly.
H: Yeah, I do, too.
Me: Look at her turkey neck.
EB: She doesn’t have a turkey neck. Turkey necks have stuff hanging from them. Do I have a turkey neck?
Me: No, you don’t have bones showing.
H: This is going to make me cry, this part.
EB: You thought they were going to cut all the Sam Tyler parts.
H: I thought they might.
Me: Oh, good song. Wow, look at how they fill that glass of wine.
H: Because he’s drinking it like beer. She’s really not that bad an actress, she’s just bad in this role.
Me: And she has a turkey neck.
EB: I’m going to throw this pillow at you the next time you say that.
Me: Oh, no! Not the squishy pillow!